In “Finale”, part of the Caravel series by Stephanie Garber there’s a quote I really like: “She didn’t need to erase her pain; she needed it to propel her into action. Just because it was a negative emotion didn’t mean it wasn’t a valuable one.” There are a lot of nuances to these so called negative or difficult emotions we have. They aren’t always so cut and dry. And because most of us have been taught that we shouldn’t have them, we try our best to shove them down or pretend like we aren’t feeling them. But what if I told you that they could actually help you, if you allow them to?
What are the “negative” emotions that I’m referring to?
I’m pretty sure that you have a good idea about the emotions I’m talking about, but just so we’re on the same page from the beginning, I’m talking about things like anger, fear, sadness, guilt, anxiety, jealousy, loneliness, frustration, shame, helplessness, etc. Those emotions that a lot of us are taught from a young age are inappropriate to show in public. Those that even when we’re at home we’re still supposed to get over quickly or overcome entirely.
You often hear about “fighting anxiety” or “killing our fear”. “Stomping out sadness.” We’ve taken a very battle like approach to ridding ourselves of these emotions entirely. But they were given to us for a reason.
Let me pause here and say…if you’re having any of these emotions, especially that are interfering with your daily life, please find a licensed therapist or counselor to talk to. Just as there is no shame in going to the doctor when you have a cold or a broken bone, there’s no shame in going to a professional to help with your inner world as well. Our mental health is just as important as our physical health.
Biologically speaking, when we have a negative emotion it’s our brains way of telling us we need to act.
Let’s take fear and anxiety for example, things that many people deal with regularly. In her book “Beyond Anxiety” Dr. Martha Beck says this: “When you encounter something unfamiliar, from a strange-looking bug to a newfangled hairstyle, it grabs the attention of an ancient structure at the center of your brain, one that’s been passed down from creature to creature for hundreds of millions of years.” She’s talking about the amygdala. The part of our brain that lights up when we get scared of something.
She goes on to describe how it sends out signals to the rest of our brain, then on to our bodies, about how we should act in whatever scenario we’re in. See a snake, danger, move away. Saw a shadow that we thought was something else? We’re ok, calm back down. This is an extremely oversimplified description, of course. She goes into much more detail. But it shows how this emotion of fear, something that we try to fight or get rid of, is actually extremely beneficial to our well-being. It’s hard to believe when you’re stuck in it, but anxiety is the same.
The very purpose of our negative emotions is not to cause us misery, it’s to help us prevent mistakes; or at least to learn from them.
But we have to be willing to go through those emotions, listen to them, and trust them for this to happen. Which isn’t easy. They’re considered negative for a reason. They’re uncomfortable.
Being sad, frustrated, and angry isn’t fun. Feeling lonely is hard. These are not things that, given the choice, we would choose to go through. We do sometimes, because they are the lesser of two evils in certain situations. But given the choice we will generally avoid them at all cost.
Even when they are justified, we berate ourselves for having them. We get upset with ourselves when we take longer than others to get over something. We feel guilty for getting angry with someone when they ignore our boundaries. We feel shame for being jealous of someone else’s success or stuff.
If we can learn to take a breath in between having the emotion and deeming it negative, we can do ourselves a world of good.
What if, instead of getting upset with ourself for taking too long to get over something, we appreciate the fact that we have a big heart and we care so deeply? It stinks in the moment, but in the long run that caring heart can, will, and has helped people along the way. It has given you the desire to care for others and try to keep them from going through things; or to at least lean into comforting them because you’ve gone through it too.
What if, instead of feeling guilty for being angry we allow that anger to show us what changes need to be made (in our lives and the world around us)? What if we use that anger in a healthy way and let it spur us to take actionable steps?
In a podcast episode I listened to recently Mel Robbins said that she actually encourages people to seek out those things/people they are jealous of. Because, “jealousy is a blocked desire. You can’t feel jealous of something unless you authentically want something for real that you think they have. And the jealousy happens because you’ve told yourself somewhere in your psyche that you can’t have it.” She says to “give yourself permission to ask what am I inspired by, but also, who am I jealous of and why.”
(From Diary of a CEO with Mel Robbins)
We often think the emotion itself is bad, because it’s what precedes the hard feelings, but it’s how we interpret the emotion and what we do with it that can be good or bad.
It’s not always possible in the moment, and no one is perfect with doing so, but that breath of a moment after we realize that we’re angry, sad, heading down an anxiety spiral, etc., can make all the difference.
A story and rather small example: Where I live, there is a hillside covered in trees behind my house. There are also powerlines that run across the hill. So randomly, the power company sends people out to cut down trees that are getting too close to the power lines. In my mind, I understand why they are doing it and I appreciate it. Their doing so makes sure that, in the event of a storm or something similar, trees don’t fall on the power lines and cut off everyone’s electricity. Including my own. But I always hate to see it happen. I feel sad that the trees are getting cut down. Frustrated that they can’t find a better solution. And I feel out of control of my own surroundings, which is a little scary if I think about it too much.
Now, I could go out and yell at the people cutting down the trees. I could call the power company and yell at everyone I can get on the phone. I could tell them all that they are slowly helping to destroy the environment and contribute to global warming. That they are destroying my property by causing more run off and destroying the homes of countless animals. All of this wouldn’t be untrue. But it also wouldn’t do any good for anyone involved. Because there isn’t a better solution at this point and I do rather enjoy having power.
What all of this has shown me though, is how much I care about animals and the environment. How much I cherish having nature around me. More deeply, it’s also shown how much I don’t love change and how I can often feel helpless in other areas of my life. Knowing all of these things can help me find ways to take steps forward to actually help rather than just yelling into the wind and causing myself a lot of grief.
Adam Grant said it like this: “Pain reveals principles. Where we hurt is a clue to what we value.”
The other thing to understand is that having negative or bad emotions doesn’t equal being a negative or bad person. It just means that you’re human.
“Having a sad thought, even having a continual succession of sad thoughts, is not the same as being a sad person. You can walk through a storm and feel the wind but you know you are not the wind.” – Matt Haig
It can take time to figure all of this out for yourself. To help you get started I want to give you a few things that have helped me learn to cope with negative emotions when they arise.
1) Find a professional to talk through things with.
I can’t recommend this enough. Going to see my therapist is one of the most beneficial things that I’ve ever done for myself. It’s not always an easy process, but it never fails to leave me better off. You may have to try several different ones to find the right one for you (which I know can be extremely frustrating and exhausting), but I promise it will be worth it. Having friends, family, and people around you to talk to is great, but they all have some kind of bias without even knowing it. A professional can take a truly outside perspective and see where you might be getting tripped up and help you learn healthy ways of dealing with things.
2) Beyond Anxiety by Martha Beck
This book has helped me more with my anxiety than any other one book ever has. It’s not going to fix everything by itself, but it’s a great resource that is packed full of good information given in a loving way. It’s not like a textbook, full of hard-to-understand clinical terms. She tells you the basics that you need to know and gives you actual helpful advice based on her own expertise and life experience. And she’s just a really great storyteller!
(Disclaimer: This is an affiliate link. I’m recommending this book because I genuinely love it, but if you follow this link, I may get a small commission from anything you purchase at no extra cost to you. If you choose to do so, thank you!)
3) Similarly, watch Martha Beck on these podcasts. (Or listen to them wherever you get podcasts. She’s been on many, but I can only personally recommend these because I’ve watched them myself.)
Diary of a CEO on YouTube.
The Mel Robbins Podcast on YouTube.
4) Read Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart.
(Again, an affiliate link. =))
This book is filled with definitions for different emotions. It gives us a larger vocabulary to help us describe what we’re actually feeling. This is beneficial because sometimes we may not be feeling as strongly about something as we think we are.
For instance, if I told you I was angry or outraged about something, you’d think I was pretty worked up about it. But if I told you that I was frustrated or irritated, it sounds a little less extreme. Not that anger or outrage are bad…=)… But saying I feel angry when I’m only mildly irritated can signal to my brain that I’m much more deeply invested than I really am. It can cause me to have a much bigger reaction to a situation than I otherwise would.
Being able to more accurately name our emotions helps us to know more about where we stand and whether or not we need to take action of some kind.
5) Watch Disney’s Inside Out one and two. (Specifically, two, but it helps to see one to understand what’s happening.)
Of course I’m going to recommend watching a Disney movie. Haha! But genuinely, the way that these movies show our emotions as little beings is really helpful. I say especially watch the second movie because in it, Joy tries to eject negative emotions away and just ignore them, sadness has to help solve things, and the way that Joy speaks to Anxiety at the end…I use it in my own life anytime I start to spiral into anxiety. It also has a great, gentle visual of what an anxiety spiral looks and feels like.
It made such an impact for me that I got the Lego set with Joy, Sadness, and Anxiety and built them. This way I could have visual representations sitting around to remind me to be kind to myself. Which leads me to…
6) Find things that can be visual reminders to be kinder to yourself and your emotions.
It could be literally anything. A note written on a piece of paper, taped to your bathroom mirror or left in your wallet. A picture that reminds you to take a breath, take a moment, and regroup. A heart shaped vase that reminds you to show yourself love, even in the hard moments.
7) Keep a journal of your negative emotions and what was happening when you had them.
This is partly helpful because it allows us to vent without going off on someone else or causing ourselves harm. But it’s also helpful because after the fact you can go back and start to dissect what happened a little more.
We generally can’t immediately go into why we’re feeling the way we are in the moment. Especially not as we first begin the process of learning how to. (And even after years of practice, we still can’t always do it.) In fact, if you’re angry about something and I walked in and told you to take a deep breath and tell me what you can learn from the situation I would likely find that heart shaped vase flying at my head. Or, at the very least, I would get a glare.
But after some time, you can go back to your journal and start to find the benefits in the emotions that you were going through. You can start to sort out what may have brought them about and figure out how to either remove those things from your life or how to better deal with them next time around. You can find those places that you care deeply and make a plan to enact change or help the situation.
8) Make the time to do things that you enjoy. Things that are grounding and uplifting.
Crafting, cooking, going for a walk in the forest, taking a historical tour, petting your dog or cat or baby goat. Whatever it is that makes your brain smile, relax a little, and kind of makes you feel like you’re a little kid again…do it. It doesn’t sound like it could help you deal with negative emotions, but it can. Because it gives us a chance to step back from all of the seriousness of the world and just breathe. It allows our thoughts to settle a little. This in turn allows our bodies to relax, at least a little.
Being in a constant state of big emotions isn’t good for our physical bodies. So anytime that we can take a break from all of that and just be is beneficial. There are more and more studies that show us that rest, play, and downtime are all just as important as exercise and eating right. Doing so in a way that you enjoy is the key.
But also, when we’re doing something that’s lighter, we still sometimes get frustrated or disappointed, etc. The good news though, is that we can use these lower stakes situations as opportunities to practice our skills of stepping back, breathing, and figuring out why we’re feeling the way we are.
As an example, when I’m doing pottery and I mess something up repeatedly I get frustrated. When this happens, I have a choice. I can keep pushing myself and keep trying to make whatever it is that I’m trying to make, I can be grumpy with everyone around me OR I can take a step back and examine why I’m feeling frustrated. Is it because I’m hungry and I need to take a break and eat something? Am I trying something new and I need to give myself a little grace? Am I trying to make something specific for someone and I’m too attached to the outcome (and likely being a perfectionist)? Is there a lot going on around me and I’m getting overstimulated? Do I need to grab my headphones to block out the world and keep at it?
The answers to questions like these are different for everyone. This is why it’s so important to get to know your own emotional beings. That way you can better understand what they are trying to tell you.
I’ve compiled a list of emotions and some of the things that these emotions are telling me when I have them.
This is not an exhaustive list, nor is it set in stone. My hope is that it will give you some ideas that will be a jumping off point to make a similar list for yourself.
Nervousness: let’s me know that something is important to me. It can be that I’m excited about something and I’m misinterpreting it. Or that I’m too attached to a specific outcome and I’m likely trying to control the situation in ways that I realistically can’t.
Jealousy: I really want something or something similar that someone else has and (like Mel Robbins said) I think that I can’t have it, can’t accomplish it, or don’t have what it takes to work for it. On the flip side, it also shows me that something CAN be done. If they did it, in theory it’s possible. It also could mean that I’m feeling excluded somehow.
Anger/Outrage: I deeply care about something. I want to speak up or take action, but feel powerless to do so in some way. Someone has crossed a boundary I’ve set or I haven’t set a boundary that needs to be there.
Frustration/Irritation/Annoyance (yep, these are all slightly different): This can, again, be a sign that I need to set or enforce a boundary, perhaps even a boundary with myself. Am I saying no when I mean yes, or yes when I really mean no? It can mean that I’m trying to force something that isn’t working or needs to shift somehow. Sometimes it means that I’m not looking at a situation clearly, that I’m expecting people/things to act in a certain way, or that I’m resisting change. It can also mean that I just need to take a break, a nap, or eat a snack.
Guilt/Shame: My inner critic is hard at work and needs to take a long vacation. I’ve allowed something that someone else has said or done to get to me more than I realized. I’m worrying WAY too much about what others think and not nearly enough about what I think. I have unrealistic expectations of myself. I need to practice more self-compassion and self-love, give myself grace, and stop beating myself up. Similarly, I may need to make amends with someone that I’ve wronged in some way.
Loneliness: I need to examine the quality of the people I’m surrounding myself with. If I’m lonely in a crowded room, then I need to seek out relationships that are more in line with who I am and not with who I think I need to be. I read somewhere (I can’t remember where) that being around people we aren’t aligned with isn’t belonging it’s just proximity. Basically, if we spend all of our time with people we have no real connection with then we’re going to continuously feel lonely. It could also mean that I’ve been in an introverted hibernation too long and I need to get out among people.
Sadness: I missing something that I deeply cared about. I’m seeing a situation that I can’t control, but that affects me nonetheless. Something that maybe I can find a way to help. I’m a sensitive person who feels for other people. Sometimes I can take those emotions on without realizing it and it affects me too.
Discouragement: Something isn’t working out the way that I want it to or think that it should. But just as likely, I’m too attached to a specific outcome and I’m trying to force something to work that just isn’t. I need to look at different ways of doing things. On the flip side, it could mean that it’s working great, things just aren’t happening as fast as I think it should or want them to. It could also simply mean that I need a nap or a snack.
The list could go on and on, but I’ll stop it here. You get the idea. Give yourself time and the chance to get to know the beautiful soul that you are. Get to know where your thoughts on the things and people really lie. Get to know what’s truly important to you. Then those emotions won’t always seem so negative.
And if you REALLY want to go all out…you can celebrate your emotions rather than fighting them. =)
I saw an illustration by Liz Climo where the little fox says, “it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate your feelings.” In the next box, they have party hats on, a balloon, and a banner that says “Stressed”. Haha!
It got me to thinking though…and I know it sounds weird to say…but what if we could get to the point where we say, “yay! I was anxious today and it helped me see a solution I wouldn’t have otherwise”, or “hooray! My anger showed me where I was not considering my own feelings about something.” It seems silly, but who couldn’t use another reason to celebrate? Another excuse for cake and confetti? =) If nothing else, thinking about it may give you a much-needed smile in an otherwise stressful situation.